What is your worst nightmare?
I ask this because what you think might be absolutely terrifying and horrible might actually not be. Or I mean, it could be. Your worst nightmare might be “being torn apart by wolves where no human can hear you scream” and that sounds pretty horrible. Unless you’re into that. Then, it sounds like a magical world of what the hell is wrong with you?
I constantly live in fear that everyone around me hates me. It might not be super evident when you talk to me, but my brain sometimes doesn’t allow me to think that people like me, or that people have anything good to say about me in general. I feel like we all have moments like this. I feel like mine have become more frequent since moving. I just want people to like me. I do care what people think. It’s impossible not to. But it doesn’t make me weak or stupid; it makes me human to care how you perceive me. Or I mean, it’s just normal. I don’t know if other animals are very concerned with how their animal friends see them. But there’s that whole natural order of things where, if you’re not the sexiest Lion, you’re not getting all the hot Lioness action. But this isn’t about sex, because I’d spend this whole post giggling about butts. This is about friendship. Making friends when you move to a new city, especially a new BIG city, is not easy.
I can wait here while you circle one...no pressure!
This week in class, we received peer-feedback in the most terrifying (to me) way possible. Ok, here’s the thing…at first, it sounded HORRIBLE and SCARY and EVIL! But when it actually happened, it was pretty hilarious, fun, insightful, and sweet.
Each of us (there are more to go through, as the class is large) got a chance to have a seat, one at a time, as the rest of our classmates proceeded to do an improv scene in the style of us. So, simply, I watched a scene performed by about 13 people improvising as myself improvising in that scene. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. But before I saw it, I outright said to everyone that this was by far the worst thing ever.
When you already lack self-esteem (mostly because of my current “I AM THE WORST!” feelings, which are slowly disappating), or just generally feel crummy about yourself in one way or another, the last thing you want to imagine is a bunch of people who you consider peers and want to be superfriends with, do an impression of you. And if you’re me, what you imagine is a room full of people you (me) wanted to like you (me) pretending to be you (me) as dickish and horribly as possible. The best thing in the world is when that is actually not the case, because the people you (me) consider your peers and want to be superfriends with are pretty awesome and don’t think you’re (me’re?) as horrible as you, yourself (me, myself) think you (me) are.
After everyone was done with the scene, our teacher then gave us his feedback and opened up the floor to our classmates to say a few things. Which was like, getting head pets and hugs after the whole thing, because people talked about the awesome qualities that whomever was being evaluated had, and it was just a sweet lovefest. But my teacher raised some really good points that I am looking forward to working on soon, and will!
It was really nice to hear postive things from my classmates. I suck at taking compliments, but have learned to say thank you even if I don’t believe it, because one day I might believe it. I jotted down a ton of notes, and am really looking forward to bettering myself even more in level 4. As I see it, I have nowhere to go but up right now, in both life and improv. I mean, I guess I could hit rock bottom, but that’s not going to happen. Everything’s coming up Milhouse right now*.
The biggest thing I need to work on is my self-doubt. I wish that I could be the type of person who thinks that everything they do is awesome. I am the kind of person who says “I am so awesome” but usually it’s after I do something really terrible, or ok, occasionally, I do say it when I do something awesome. I had confidence once. Well, I used to not care what people thought, really. Now I care. What’s changed?
Suddenly I’m doing things that I want people to care about (I’m answering my question); that I want to take a certain weight in the world. I want people to notice and be inspired and enjoy or feel something different (even if it’s anger, sadness, and other things, but I’d prefer the positive since I’m all about avoiding any sort of confrontation!). Why?
Because I care deeply about what I’m doing. I’m about to make some big changes in my life, and I want to impact the world somehow, but positively.
I dream of awesome things.
I sound like a crazy person. So…it’s working.
*Brilliant. I just jinxed myself.
Thanks for being so open. Even when you don’t feel like it, you’re the bestest. Remember, you may never know who you impact, like a semi flying down the road, it bends the grass over, but it’s long gone and has no idea. I choose “yes”
Yeah, I found myself breaking down in class because I was SO stuck in my head. Like you, I “mind read” everyone around me. Of course I know exactly what they’re thinking! A twitch of an eyebrow, the hesitant/practiced smile. Simple seconds feel like years while I wait for a response – and in that time I’m practicing speeches for EVERY possible outcome.
A learned desire to anticipate clogs my head and keeps me from the free, electric joy of being in the moment with a peer/partner/pal.
The fact that you are writing, creating, putting yourself out there, means that there is enough light coming through so that you can see yourself the way we see you.
Pssst, your awesome is showing.
Level 4, we’re going to stop being so internal and just be amazeballs.
This literally made me tear up. Thank you.